Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Faith & Worry Do Not Mix

Such a long time since I have written.  I could blame writers block, or being busy.  But the truth is I was just blessed to spend wonderful, wonderful weeks with my husband, and I would not have traded one minute of that time for the two to three hours it normally takes me to sit at this computer screen and pour out my heart in a blog.  Nope, my entire heart gets poured out while he is home, but not on paper or a computer! 

Maybe everyone feels this way, or maybe it is because our life is sectioned out into these time frames, X amount of time together, X amount of time apart, but each time we are together, we seem to grow and learn so much.  I suppose everyone does this, it is just that our learning periods are crammed into these breaks and probably much more obvious to me than the learning people do on a day to day basis.

The Yankee is a humble and private guy.  I pretty much like to shout our life from the rooftops for anyone who cares to listen.  Finding a balance with that, out of respect for him, without bragging on him too much, is NOT easy for me.  But this time, I learned a lot, and God used my husband to show me what it was I needed to learn. (So, Yankee, when you read this, I apologize in advance, but this is truly what I saw and I am so grateful I did!)

Life is never dull around here, though sometimes I almost wish for just a few days that might qualify.  One thing I was really looking forward to was the Yankee getting to see # 59's first football game in quite some time.  So the evening was upon us.  Home games, under the lights, on the turf.  Our son even got picked as team captain, which was a great and thoughtful bonus for his daddy to get to see.  It was going to be a fabulous night.  And it was.  Until the end of the fourth quarter.

As only a mother could notice, our son made a tackle and when he got up, something was not right.  No one around me noticed, no one even saw the team doctor checking him out on the sidelines.  But I saw every moment. The standing test, the eye test.  I knew what was coming.  Diagnosis = concussion #2!  NO WAY God really?  On his daddy's time home from work, when this was the only time he gets to see him play?  Really? Oh I was mad at God.  I was mad because I had prayed for safety, why did I bother?  I was mad because our child loves this game and I hated seeing how scared he was that he might not get to play again.

When we arrived home that night long conversations about football ensued.  To play or not to play.  To wait for future doctors appointments or just make the decision now.  For us as parents to tell our son he couldn't play anymore or to let him make his own decision?  We were talked out and I hated football that night.  Worry took over.  It was all really stressful for me, even though, as I read this now, it almost sounds trivial and like something I should not have been stressed about.  I have never been so grateful for bedtime in my life.  As I do every night, I went and said goodnight to each of the kids, #59 already crashed out from the pain pounding in his head.  I needed to chill out so I went to the kitchen to grab my phone so that I could mindlessly check my Facebook page and emails before going to bed.  But as I crossed through the living room, something caught my eye down the hallway to our sons room.  It was the Yankee.  On his knees next to our sons bed praying for him......I'm sorry, lets go back.  Did you see what I was doing?  Checking Facebook and emails. 

People often think that, because we are allowed such a small amount of time together as a married couple that our life must be all unicorns and rainbows, but I promise you, we argue just like any normal couple.  Not screaming, fighting, punching holes in walls arguing, but we can discuss things, and discuss things and discuss them some more until we get it hashed out.  So we came across one of these times while he was home and I found myself extemely frustrated because I couldn't find the words I needed to get my point across. Giving up, I went to bed and zoned out on my phone, all the while worried about how I could get my point across.  After a bit, I got up to get a drink of water, but stopped short as I went through the living room because there he was, on his knees at the couch, praying for us.  I'm sorry, lets go back.  Did you see what I was doing this time?  Of course you did, because it was the same thing I was doing last time, worrying, stressing, CHECKING MY PHONE!!!!!

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

We went to DC with daddy during this trip home.  While there we attended a church where the preacher said something to the effect of, "You can be a Christian for 25 years and still be the same Christian you were year one, or you can grow with each of those 25 years until you come closer to the person God is trying to make you into."  Spiritual maturity.  Of which I clearly have none!  Seriously, here I am, 43 years old,  upset with God because He isn't doing what I want Him to do for me instead of hitting my knees and asking Him what I could do for Him to make these situations better.

A few nights ago I had dinner with one of my besties.  In describing to her a scenario in my life that I was a little perplexed over, she said, "Well, did you pray about it?"  So, I have just spent the past five weeks, watching my husband turn to God in each situation.  I visibly saw what it was He was trying to show me by using The Yankee as an example, and after five weeks of that, I STILL took a situation to a friend that I hadn't thought to pray about!!!  I suddenly realized that, I am almost halfway to the point of being a 25 year Christian still living like its my first year of being one.  Like a child throwing a tantrum, when things get tough, I get mad and don't turn to Him because I feel as though He isn't doing enough for me.

So today and everyday I will ask, "What can I do for YOU Jesus? Even in tougher situations, what can I do to honor You that might make this situation better?" I can't imagine the possibilities when I take my mind of the "me" mentality and ask what I can do for Him instead...leaving it all at His feet, not just saying I will!!!